Pursue a Lasting Love

Amy Morgan is a great writer and thinker when it comes to marriage. She is a part of San Antonio Marriage Initiative. I know you will be helped by her guest blog and let me also recommend that you consider joining their National Marriage Week online February 7-14. It’s an amazing opportunity to hear from some of the finest experts in the field of marriage on practical issues in marriage. I’m looking forward to joining their program on February 13th about Having Fun in Your Marriage.

Pursue a Lasting Love

Cinderella might have landed Prince Charming once her foot glided into the glass slipper, but did the couple indeed live “happily ever after?”

The Fairy tale appeals to our core longing to love and be loved. We hope our relationships will last for a lifetime. But why does that dream seem ever more elusive?

Over the past several months I interviewed two dozen relationship experts to glean insight on how and why a marriage lasts as part of a project for National Marriage Week. Not only have these leaders worked directly with couples and published their best practices, they enjoy decades-long marriages. They have quite literally written the books on how to joyfully journey through decades together.

Dr. Williard Harley, Jr., is best known for his best-selling book His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage, which was first published as support material for his marriage counseling program in 1986. He and his wife, Joyce, have been married for 62 years, and he still turns pink when she enters the room. How can couples keep that loving feeling while weathering life’s ups and downs? His research found making your spouse happy creates romantic love. People who are in love are not looking to divorce.

One of the ways people make each other happy is by spending time together, a topic Dr. Harley addressed in a series of articles about dating your mate. Who doesn’t want to go on a great date? That’s how your relationship began in the first place! The anticipation of fun and connection gives couples something to look forward to. Claudia and David Arp promoted the idea of dating one’s spouse before the concept of a date night became popular. The couple, also married 62 years, wrote the book 10 Dates for Mates in the early 1980s. Its catchy title and upbeat theme appeal to anyone’s sense of romance and fun.

“One of things we tell everybody is that fun in marriage is serious business. We’ve never met anyone on the way to divorce court who is having fun in their marriage,” Claudia added. Dr. Harley agrees. Recreational companionship and intimate conversation are two of the top 10 needs he identified to create connection and increase marital happiness.

You’ve heard it before, but communication is key. “I don’t know why communication is such a hard thing, but it is,” said counselor and founder of Awesome Marriage Dr. Kim Kimberling. “If I can get a couple to learn to listen well to each other, they don’t fight as much anymore. They are understanding and empathizing better, so there’s less to complain about.”

And while you’re spending time together, practice kindness and good manners. Clinical psychologist, author and media host Dr. Ray Guarendi reminds couples that relationships drift toward decay. “We get sloppy, don’t use manners, don’t do things that are kind and unpredictable. Apologize more. Give more compliments,” he said. “Who would your spouse say treats them better than anyone else? Would it be you?”

“We were made for joy, laughter and pleasure,” offered Jamie Bailey. She and her husband, Chris, professional Christian counselors and marriage coaches, run Expedition Marriage. “There’s an unlimited capacity for joy in our brain, and it doesn’t cap out. Neuroscience shows that the fuller that part of the brain is, providing you pleasure and helping you deal with pain, the more resilient you can be.”

Can you think of a humorous situation involving you and your spouse? Couples can revisit good times to spark laughter and connection. Injecting a little levity in life brings people closer and reminds them they can get through anything together.

Likewise, gratitude and appreciation go a long way toward creating a team mentality and making your marriage stronger. Regularly verbalize positives about your partner. Including the “why” makes recognition more effective. Researchers report people need seven positive interactions to counterbalance every one that’s negative.

“At the end of life, people regret the failure of their marriage and relationships. It makes a great difference in life to have a great marriage. Being in love is a Litmus test of a great marriage. If you are not, you have a few things to learn,” Dr. Harley added.

These experts and more will share their insights each evening in moderated conversation during National Marriage week, February 7-14. This year’s theme, Pursuing a Lasting Love, explains ways to help love persist. National Marriage Week’s Managing Director, Carl Caton, noted a cultural trend, “While most Americans want to get married, research indicates that a lingering worry remains about whether the relationship will endure.” Each discussion will highlight a foundational element of a lasting relationship such as adjusting to new parenthood, creating a safe haven for conflict and nurturing romance to help keep things in perspective. The website offers resources, challenges, and conversation starters inspired by the live events to help couples begin or continue to pursue a lasting love. Visit MarriageWeek for more information.