Top Five of the Top Ten Hindrances to Intimacy – Note: This is rated PG

“True confessions!!! I read a book on physical intimacy from a woman’s perspective and loved it. Lucille Williams has a great book out called “The Intimacy You Crave: Straight Talk about Sex and Pancakes”. It’s written to women but obviously, I’m a testimony of a man getting a great deal of understanding from her book. Lu and Mike Williams are friends and just good, authentic people who are making a difference. I thought this was a very helpful blog.”

If you have any struggle with intimacy know you are not unique, we all have hindrances, the struggle is real.

Let’s get right to it!

Here’s five of the ten listed in the book:

1. Body Image

After my kids were born, I gained a significant amount of weight. How much? Well. . .ahem. . .like fifty pounds. Okay, okay. Seventy. Yes, seventy pounds, as in seven-zero. It was rough. But you know what I learned? The weight gain didn’t slow down my husband’s desire or impede his fun. Maybe your husband isn’t as gracious in this area, but—his response aside for now—we each need to eradicate our body issues by attacking them head-on.

Many of us carry around a poor body image that keeps us from enjoying our husbands to the fullest—because of the way we feel about our own bodies. Body issues can become a barrier to sexual expression. . .if you allow them to. This barrier is so common to so many women that I’ve devoted a whole chapter to this subject.

2. Sexual Abuse

I hate that I have to write about this. I hate that some of us have to deal with it. Sadly, as too many of us know, sexual abuse is a tool of Satan attempting to bring down a family years before a woman even says, “I do.” Our mighty God and Savior is greater and stronger than any evil force. We can experience healing and freedom from sexual abuse. As with body image, there is much more to this issue than can be said here.

For now let’s address some of the sneakier hindrances that can lead you away from harmonious matrimonial polka. Are you with me, sister?

3. Anger

When I’m angry, my desire for sex plummets to zilch. Can you relate? Anger, bitterness, and resentment are so very destructive. They can ruin your marriage and certainly your sex life.

My dear and godly friend Alice Zellmer—who’s in her eighties! —paraphrases Ephesians 4:26 this way: “Don’t let the sun go down upon your wrath; it will ruin your sex life.” Words of wisdom right there.

If you find yourself feeling angry often, please get to the bottom of the cause and don’t allow anger and bitterness to destroy your marriage. Take it to the Lord and ask Him to help you.

4. Unforgiveness

Marriage is a ministry of forgiveness. If you are married for any length of time, you’ll soon find that you need to become proficient at forgiving. Holding on to resentment will invariably block your libido.

The easiest way for me to prevent an unforgiving heart is to remember the many times my husband has forgiven me, and especially the many times my Lord has forgiven me. Way too many to count. If you do want to keep score, tally how many times your husband has forgiven you, and not the other way around.

On one occasion, I had spent the day fasting and praying and, in the midst of that, became aware I needed to go to my husband and ask forgiveness. Becoming painfully aware of how I had spilled my rotten attitude on him, I knew I needed to apologize. I waited until the following day while we were out to dinner alone. I told him what God had showed me. As I apologized, I began to cry. Before I could finish, he pulled me in close and held me. He forgave me instantly.

Never am I more attracted to my husband than when he shows me forgiveness. In turn, a forgiving wife is extremely appealing to a husband. (Nudity helps too.)

Think about that. The amount of forgiveness we desire is the same amount we need to extend. I don’t know about you, but I am a mess and need forgiveness often. Forgiveness serves as a strong anchor for any secure and healthy marriage. We are all in process and need understanding and forgiveness.

When your husband makes a mistake, forgive him and don’t hold it against him. He’ll love you for it and will probably show his appreciation in some way. Hurt feelings are a hazard of marriage. Don’t keep an account of wrongs suffered. Make the decision ahead of time to always choose forgiveness.

5. Boredom

Sex is boring; he always does the same old thing the same old way.

Wah-wah. . .

While at the gym one morning, I noticed a lady on a cardio machine in front of me. I thought to myself, Boy, she is always here at the same time, doing the same thing on the same machine. She’s in a rut! Then it hit me. I was behind her at the same time, doing the same thing on the same machine.

If sex is boring for you and you feel like you’re in a rut, then change you, and in doing so you’ll change the whole “moving furniture” equation.

Respond to him differently and you’ll change everything. One time I bought purple silk sheets and put them on our bed. That night as my husband got into bed, his pillow went flying across the room. Not exactly what I had anticipated. It wasn’t very romantic, but it made for a good laugh. And it definitely changed things up! Often during the night when my husband or I rolled over, our pillows would shoot out like missiles. It wasn’t long before we changed back to our regular sheets, but it was fun for a while. Even if things don’t go as planned, you can still have fun, even if not in an erotic way.

Fun leads to more fun.

Click here to subscribe for weekly updates from Lucille

Help us reach the next generation of families

Back to Top

Lucille Williams

Lucille Williams is the author of “From Me to We” and “The Intimacy You Crave: Straight Talk about Sex and Pancakes” order a copy today to enhance your marriage. Subscribe to for weekly encouragement.

  • About HomeWord

    HomeWord helps families succeed by creating Biblical resources that build strong marriages, confident parents, empowered kids and healthy leaders. Founded by Jim Burns, HomeWord seeks to advance the work of God in the world by educating, equipping, and encouraging parents and churches. Learn More »

  • Support Our Mission

    HomeWord is non-profit, donor supported ministry. If you would like to partner with HomeWord in our effort to help more parents and families you can make a donation. Your investment will allow us to expand this ministry by offering more resources to families and churches in need.

  • Contact Information

    • HomeWord
      PO Box 1600
      San Juan Capistrano, CA

    • Send us an email

    • 800-397-9725
      (M-F: 8:30am-5pm PST)